Would you like to show your appreciation for Christopher Brett Bailey but aren’t sure how to get started? You’re in luck! What follows is a helpful list of unique gift ideas for any budget, guaranteed to satisfy the Christopher Brett Bailey in your life!


£200 upwards

‘Blowing My Hero’ by Amber O’Neil (Amber O’Neil Productions, 1995, ltd to 500 copies) – kiss and tell pamphlet of a ‘determined fan’s’ interaction with celebrated misanthrope and overrated author Charles Bukowski. Circulation halted by his widow, Linda Bukowski. http://www.liveauctioneers.com/item/9218729


£75 upwards:

ANY guitar or bass guitar amplifier heads or combined head and speaker amplifiers (combos) by HH Electronics. But NOT any of their PA shit thankyou.


Vintage concert t-shirts (official tour merchandise only, pre 1976 pref.) of the rock n roll band Alice Cooper (size S if American, otherwise size M).



Berlin Alexanderplatz DVD Box Set (Rainer Werner Fassbender, 1980). Recommended by dead theatre-guru Ken Campbell as ‘the type of thing young people could make if they have some money and a camera and some interesting looking friends’. This is one of those TV show boxed sets that would eat up more free time than anyone wants to admit they have and would in all likelihood sit on a shelf, collecting dust until Christopher Brett Bailey is bed-bound by the cancer that is destined to eat him alive. No rush on this one then. In fact, hold off until the diagnosis comes through. Or Blu-Ray totally eclipses DVDs. Whichever happens first.



David Lynch brand Coffee. Legendary hollywood weirdo and hair-spiration of Christopher Brett Bailey, David Lynch has lent the fame of his name to the marketing of a new brand of bean. These appear to be available over the internet rather than in real life but do not, as yet, appear to be consumable over the internet. Standard Roast or Espresso Roast are both accepted. NOT the pointless decaf roast. (for a cheaper coffee option see below)


£13.21 (rrp):

High Commissioner Blended Whiskey (70cl). Advertised as ‘not a complex dram’, this budget blend tastes and smells every bit as bad as any more expensive tipple.



Sonic Youth’s ‘Experimental Jet Set, Trash and No Star’ CD (1994) is as you know, their only bad album, which because he has functioning ears and does not like to waste his money, Christopher Brett Bailey has never bothered to purchase. For the purposes of completing his collection it has been listed here and should, like all music, be available at Fopp record stores for no more than £5.



Taylors Dark Roast Hot Lava Java Coffee (227g). While it may be the fashion for young theatre-makers and arty types in general to list ‘tea’, ‘tea drinking’, ‘tea consumption’ etc. in their twitter biographies and website copy, Christopher Brett Bailey is not swayed by such blatant attempts to appear relatable and high functioning. When he requires a caffeine boost the slow release of tea just won’t do. This particular blend of beans by Taylors Coffee Co. is the strongest coffee that is readily available (caffeine level 6) and is currently stocked by two fine independent businesses: Tesco and Asda. Taylors’ marketing blurb refer to it as ‘characterful’ and Christopher Brett Bailey himself has come out in favour by saying ‘it makes me feel like god for an hour and then i shit myself.’


£1 (rrp):

Haribo Tangfastics or Haribo Starmix. NOT Haribo Kiddies Mix. Gimmicky Euro-trash variations also accepted.


For the price of a stamp:

French kiss or otherwise defile a piece of paper or card and post it to Ms. C Brett Bailey, 49 Caterham Road, Lewisham, London, SE13 5AP